by ET

So behind all the pictures and events and marketing and corporate agenda… On the other side of screens and images exists a parallel reality for all of us -of course- that I am compelled to write about today. It is beautiful, as it looks on the surface. What we share is not less true, it’s just a spectacular fraction -in Guy Debords’ approach to spectacularity- but not the totality of our daily doings.

For example I post a lot about yoga, and events, and friends. But my life is more sitting in front of a computer (every day less and less), designing, business planning, meetings, sending emails, running errands, cleaning, cooking, scrolling. I seldom watch series or read. I enjoy seeing friends and dancing and partying of course, but the truth is I spend a lot of time delving into solitary confinement, much needed for me. The point is that our phenomenological self is just a fraction of our beings, of course.

I talk to people daily and times are dense. Every day I hear desperate (like, tantrum crying kind of desperate) stories of loss, pain, suffering, breakups, nervous breakdowns, emotional tornadoes and what not. Even suicide is on the panorama. All this without going into the global discourse of war, plummeting stocks, skyrocketing prices and inflation and people going wtf and questioning themselves: ¿what comes next? and screaming the need to go back to normal. The thing is: there’s no normal anymore. It’s up to us to create a new narrative and to create a new narrative we must begin in ourselves.

You know, we are all going through some kind of purge. Some cannot even name it, accept it or deal with it... just dragging themselves into booze, chemicals, work overload and screens, which of course will just delay and put weight on the process (distraction can be anything, really.. it all depends on the crystal clear motivations behind any action or impulse).

It is unavoidable, the process of going deep within. Some choose to get it done with as fast as possible, some will wait for triggers to hit, some will face adversity and illness and some will have to be born again.

I recently asked my guide: “Why is it taking so long? I’ve been working and working and working and removing layers of shit and trauma and stuff for more than 10 years now, I’m tired, I feel this is taking too long” and she goes “Oh dear, but you have no idea how fast you’re going.. Others have to be born again to deal with a fraction of this”. And in the end… a lifetime of suffering vs some years of hardcore refurbishment makes total sense. Taking into account that it f* works. It shows, and I feel it, and others feel it, and I have never in my life felt happier and genuine and loving and expansive and connected. It doesn’t mean it’s easy or that it is always like that. You know, your light is proportional to your darkness, they say. So… for some, life is navigating between shallow valleys and tiny pikes and for others is riding the Kumba. haha

So I talk about myself because it’s the subject I know the most about, and because I don’t think I only talk about myself, but in the name of so many out there that can feel identified with me, and thus less lonely. Human nature is unapologetically resemblant.

One of the things learned in Alcoholics Anonymous is that “I am not alone” in life and in suffering. When sharing in sessions, we are compelled to reply to others when they are mirroring an aspect of ourselves. We don’t aim to judge, point or advise: we merely share with others when we find out that our struggle is also theirs’.

On the other hand, It is easier to just not do stuff. Not share and create but pickpocket, minimise, deny, hide, redirect, avoid, consume. Bartleby from Hermann Melville was my favorite book for years, my best anti-hero of nothingness, which has a beautiful point and I will write about shunia and zero and nothingness eventually of course… But again it’s easier not to meditate, not to write, not to express, not to step out the door, not to call a friend. So I have a purpose of sharing about me, because I believe most of us aim to open our package - in any way our soul demands - to share with others for the purpose of self and planetary evolution or the game of life - or both. Sing, create businesses or initiatives, perform, write, make art, sourdough bread or kombucha and even contemplate or merely be present if that is your true calling, but always start within.

You know… I’ve navigated, like many, through mental stuff, trauma, addiction, “mental illness”, alcoholism, pill popping, etc, etc. Leveling up, then going down again, then dying, then navigating it, then being up up up, then coming down a bit… and let me tell you… the pendulum has started to shift more and more into the bright side. I stopped suffering because I am now unafraid of dealing with pain. I am not scared of death which means I am no longer scared of life which means I am no longer scared of myself. So I’m good. Very good. But the work on the subtleties of the self is deep - oil drilling, Marianas Trench - deep and never easy. The finest sucker rod...deep…. down…. in!

So…Last weeks I’ve been in a self-inflicted kind of solitary confinement, working on the subtle wells of my soul (yes, the oil metaphors are very on point with the current economic panorama). I’ve been navigating this fast-track initiation/actualisation process that involves dying and rebirthing myself daily. Last week, for the first time in my life, I visited my master -spiritual guide- 3 times as the times are demanding deep-deep inner work, uncovering the subtler puffs and most hidden gems of self exploration and thus self discovery, that hide behind an infinite gobstopper of psychic and somatic material.

I see my last years as a contemporary ‘Path of the Initiate’, ‘Disciples Journey’ or some similar deep dive into the nooks and corners of the mind, body and soul. And it’s the perfect time to do it, so we can be active agents of our present. Not focused on consuming images, posts, news and feeding darkness but stepping into our truest selves to face adversity with open eyes, open heart and feet on the ground.

So this is all to say that there’s a lot going on beneath the surface and behind the screens and that we are not alone. You are not alone in suffering and you are not alone in celebration. You are not alone when you feed yourself with ice cream like I have for the past weeks, and you are not alone even when you’re in solitary -imposed or self inflicted- confinement. You are not alone when you cannot sleep, or when you’re sleeping too much, when your hair is falling more than usual, when you see yourself in the mirror and cannot recognise the person you have in front, when you see old pictures of you and you find them beautiful, happy and serene. When you go back in time to see all the music you listened to in bliss, the laughter and adventure and hugs and healthy routines with no backdrop screams and muted sounds of desperation, illness and uncertainty.

I believe this moment is much needed for a planetary transformation, where all things solid are liquifying and gasifying and atomising. Where institutions and old narratives are collapsing in front of our eyes, and we’re being forced to reprioritise our agendas and see our finances, our health and our closet in the binary way of What I Need vs. What I have. There’s an unprecedented underlooked opportunity during this times to give space to healing from within in order to build strong fabrics of community support and co-creation based on empathy, inclusion and connection - with ourselves, with others and with mother earth.

The shake is strong but we need you stronger and whole.

The time has come.

You are a part of it all and most importantly: you are not alone.