After 9 months of pain and periods of isolation, I can finally say that the sun is shining bright again, or starting to. I have experienced many deaths, but this last one stretched me beyond my apparent capabilities. I revisited the darkest moments of my life, which are not few. At times, I lost faith, energy, and will. It was a nine-month meditation in darkness, where I refrained from reading, watching series, relationships, engaging in social stuff, or following any routine. Basically refrained from distractions, which is what we humans usually look for. Most days, I worked on what needed to be done and spent the rest of my time still, staring blankly into the void. I reflected for hours, struggled for hours, and examined every nook and corner of my psyche. I went back to existentialism, deepened my relationship with nihilism and found fresh air in absurdism. I fought and made peace with my body, healed and reprogrammed ancestral traumas and generational memories stored within me. It was a lonely path and hard to explain even to worried family members.
It started when I opened a hidden pandora’s box inside of me. Overlooked and under apparent control, it was harder to digest than alcoholism, addiction or any other psychiatric label I had received before.
So, the general view is the following: I was medicated and intoxicated for most of my life and when I managed to be chemical and alcohol free, that’s when the real work started. So that’s why I’ve been in an incessant and stubborn quest towards internal freedom for the past 10 years. Not looking for it as in “the more we search, the more we find”, but intuitively guided by my higher self to release whatever was/is stealing vital energy from me, especially this, that was inherent to my days. So for the past two years I opened the eating disorder box: food, weight, obsessions, anxiety, perfection, body, beauty, self-demand, sugar…
The topic has many fringes, including generational trauma affecting both sides of the family, bodily healing, digestion, substance use and abuse, concealed pain and frustration, anger, societal conditioning, identification with the physical body, unrealistic beauty standards, belief in the body's inability to function without external aid, and the perceived need for diets, supplements or routines. I questioned all information that came from feeds, studies, or anything I heard, read or felt about the topic. I questioned anyone that had a say in the matter. I fought with the mirror (and still there), knowing the absurdity of the matter, and yet not being able to detach from it.
It has taken around 80% of my vital energy and focus in my life and it returned every day to haunt me against my will. And finally came to surface when I was able to confront it, see it clearly and work it through. I asked a lot to the universe and to my guides: What lies beneath will? When I really really want to change something but my mind refuses to let go and my body wont respond because it is angry at me for being overworked, over-judged and over controlled? What lies beyond intention? The answer could be: letting go. But the motherfucker wouldn’t. I had to go 100 years in the past to reconcile family members from a place of love, work with my inner child, inner pre-adolescent, adolescent and adult.
It was a lot of self-authority challenges. There where days when I would question my sanity once again and days where I could not trust anyone but my deepest self - and thankfully guided by my unconventional spiritual master here in bcn-. I sometimes said it would’ve been a hell of a freak show if somebody could see my days from above, in a movie.
And I share because it's a call, a pull. I am transparent... just another speckle of universal consciousness trying to make sense of the machinations of the separation of the self. Within oneself, with others, and with the planet as a whole. I am trying to bring together the horcruxes of a fragmented spirit. Oh God, if we only knew that Harry Potter is not fiction. This reality exceeds fiction when we realize we have inner eyes to see and the will to go within and deconstruct our multilayered minds with accumulated mind matter, generational baggage and psychic imprints.
I share because that’s the only thing I truly know about and can talk about, and also I am aware that I am not only talking about myself, but also on behalf of many others who not only struggle with body issues, but also health or psychiatric issues. I can reassure that our bodies are self-healing. There are physical traumas and accidents, there's karma, and there's the plan of our soul. Spiritually speaking, it is a lot more complex because every case is different. But there is always a way, a decision, and a possibility towards true healing rather than just symptom alleviation.
And that’s what I like about life: possibilities. About love: possibilities. About future thinking: possibilities. About expression: possibilities.
Deconstructing oneself is opening up to the possibilities. Being radically honest (or at least aiming to be, because there are always blind spots), leads you to opening up to possibilities. Being humble enough to re-frame our ideas opens up possibilities. Accepting and exploring our imperfect - and beautiful - reality opens up possibilities. Exploring and working our shadow, our darkness, our most disgusting and self-loathing selves opens up possibilities.
In the end, don't we all want to be the best version of ourselves? We long for our vitality, expression, sharpness, and focus to return. We crave for unlimited abundance, love for ourselves and others, and our magnetism to come back. We want our joy and feelings to return, as well as the connection to our truest, most essential, and childlike selves.
We're often too preoccupied with the idea that our bodies and minds are not OK, and require something external to function properly - a perfect diet, a pill, a vitamin, a substance, a routine, a method. We worry that we're not good enough, not pretty enough, not tanned, fit, or intelligent enough. Isn't it tiring? Aren't some of us tired of constantly double-thinking every step, of being bombarded with information from feeds - with endless ways, methods, programs, facts, theories, and studies? (I’m not saying that methods or feeds or information are not useful. They are very much indeed, and I have followed and follow and have tried maaaaaany stuff. But is it intuitive? Mindful? Note to self, of course).
We worry about time. We’re often in a race against time. We often believe we’re old and there’s not much time left. And yes, and no. Every day is the first day of the rest of our lives, the present is the only thing that exists and at the same time there’s no more time to loose.
It is at the least refreshing to know that we are so perfect in our imperfection. In fact, it is error that gives meaning to this human experience. Randomness, error, and imperfection serve a perfect purpose in reminding us of the path towards unity. We are fragments experiencing separation in a coded matrix of imperfect perfection, I would say. And still we are doing it just right! We learn and unlearn every day, doing the best we can with the tools we have at hand.
This text, for example, has a lot of errors. Logical errors, conceptual errors, significance and definition paradoxes. A myriad of possible footnotes. But then I would never publish it if I triple-thought every possible rational leakage on it.
So this is just a story, an experience and an invitation to question automatisms. Mostly to question motivations behind actions. An invitation towards intuition and deep listening to ourselves. An invitation to regain our power back from pills, posts, people, phrases, lineages, gurus and cultural conditioning. To go beyond our own expectations of ourselves. To remember that we are not alone in suffering and we are not alone in celebration.
Isn’t it just about time to start living in true connection, inspiration and expression?
It has taken many of us a trip to hell and back, and many times. And it has been a beautiful ride as well, to be able to feel all the spectrum of possibilities. And yet it is also beautiful to reframe our minds, to regain - or loosen up- control, to start or continue our journey towards inner freedom.
Much love to all <3